Make Kindness Cool

I’ve been thinking quite a lot about kindness recently, probably because I work with somebody who is genuinely one of the kindest, most big-hearted people I’ve met. I was really, really touched by something she did for me last week, and it got me thinking about all the people I’ve encountered throughout my life who’ve shown me kindness, often in ways they’ve probably thought very little about afterwards, but which I’ve remembered for years. I wonder how often we realise the influence we have on other people, particularly when we’re just doing something nice because we want to.

I once had a boss who was a proper hard-arse with me! She had incredibly high expectations, pushed me enormously and certainly wasn’t somebody who let me get away with doing things half-heartedly. Yet, when I was probably the most ill I’ve ever been, I woke up in my apartment to find her sitting beside my bed holding my hand. She’d persuaded security to let her in, and there she was, making sure I was drinking, giving me medication, checking my temperature and trying to make me comfortable. I was too ill to freak out about the fact she’d somehow got into my apartment! I learnt that being a tough boss and being a genuinely caring human being aren’t mutually exclusive.

When I think about the people who’ve shaped who I am, obviously family has had an influence, but there are so many others who’ve come into my life along the way. I was painfully shy at primary school, never put my hand up and didn’t even know I was bright until a teacher told me. She worked hard to build my confidence and knew I loved singing, so naturally I’d sit right beside the piano in assembly, hoping she’d hear me and tell me I’d done well. Too shy to put my hand up, but apparently not too shy to fish for a compliment! Subtle. Then there was my headteacher, David Hudson, who believed in me and is probably the reason I ended up in the sciences. Years later, when he received his OBE, I emailed to congratulate him, and he remembered me! I was absolutely delighted. Outside school, I worked in our local Chinese takeaway, where Janet made me feel part of her family when I was just an employee. I spent evenings working and reading to her young children, although I’m not sure my Yorkshire accent did much for their pronunciation! She taught me so much about hard work, recognising people’s different strengths and being part of a team. I wonder if any of them realise how much of an influence they had?

I’ve been fortunate to work with some wonderful people throughout my career too. A fantastic head of department, a deputy head who taught me an enormous amount about how we show genuine care towards children in schools, and a head of school who saw what I was capable of and advocated for me to move through threshold early. I’ve had people take me under their wing, encourage me to do things I wasn’t entirely confident about and put their faith in me when they could quite easily have concentrated on their own work. Some of them were tough, some were wonderfully nurturing, and quite a few managed to be both. I look back on those relationships with an enormous amount of affection because I know how much I learnt from them, and because somebody taking a genuine interest in your development is something worth appreciating.

There are smaller comments I remember too… When somebody whose judgement you respect recognises your expertise, or notices the quality of something you’ve put an enormous amount of work into, it’s a really lovely feeling. What might be a passing comment for them can be an acknowledgement of years of effort for the person receiving it. Sometimes I think we assume that people who are experienced or appear confident don’t particularly need anybody to tell them they’re doing well. I don’t think that’s true at all.

I’m surrounded by some wonderful women through WISE who seem to recognise that the confidence I project isn’t necessarily the confidence I’m feeling. They’ll pick up on a hesitation, listen to what I’m saying (and what I’m not), and give me a pep talk before I go into something. I absolutely adore them for it. It takes a bit of effort to know somebody well enough to recognise when they need a lift, particularly when they appear perfectly capable of managing without one. How bloody kind is that?!

I’ve also got people throughout education who I can pick up the phone and call when something happens. People I’ve worked with or met through professional communities, some of whom have become friends along the way. They’ll listen, give me their perspective, tell me when they think I’ve got something wrong and genuinely want me to succeed. How lucky am I? They’ve got their own jobs, families and lives to manage, but they still make time. That’s kindness.

I’ve always loved people who genuinely celebrate the success of others. People who share their knowledge, recommend somebody for an opportunity or are delighted when somebody they’ve supported goes on to do well. I’ve never quite understood why another person’s abilities should make us feel less secure about our own. Surely there’s far more to gain from learning from people and helping one another along? I’ve certainly met people who seem to find it difficult to celebrate others. How much nicer would life be if we were all a bit more generous with our encouragement?

There’s an expression we hear quite often, hurt people hurt people, and whilst there’s some truth in that, I’ve been wondering why we don’t talk more about the opposite. Kindness is contagious too, surely? We don’t just learn from how people treat us, but from watching how they treat others. I think about that deputy head and how much I learnt from seeing genuine care for students in practice. I’ve watched people go out of their way to help somebody, celebrate other people’s achievements or make sure somebody feels included, and I think those things influence us more than we realise. When you see somebody being genuinely kind, it makes you want to be a bit more like them. I’ve also experienced people being unkind, as I’m sure we all have, but I’d much rather take my lessons from those who’ve shown me how lovely people can be.

I don’t imagine I’ve always got this right. I’m sure there have been times when I’ve been too busy to notice somebody’s efforts, or when I could have taken a little more time to check how someone was doing. There are probably people I’ve never properly thanked, and I’d like to think that some of the kindness I’ve experienced has found its way into how I treat others. Perhaps we should make a bit more effort to tell people how much they’ve meant to us whilst we have the opportunity, as I don’t think we can assume somebody knows the difference they’ve made.

I’d really love us to make kindness cool. Not by turning it into another slogan or announcing how wonderfully supportive we all are, but by actually doing nice things for people. If you think somebody’s brilliant at something, tell them. If they’ve made a difference to you, let them know. If you can help somebody, why wouldn’t you? We can still be demanding, direct and have high expectations. Some of the kindest people I’ve known have been all three, and I’ve loved them for it.

If hurt people hurt people, then surely kind people can help create other kind people. I’d quite like us to make a bit more effort with that, because doing something lovely for another person really is a rather nice thing to do.

Who is under your wing?